We Could All Use a Dose of Stoicism

 Looking back at the last four years, it should be obvious how rhetoric affects relationships. President Trump has led an exceptionally ill-conceived social media blitz intended to energize his populist base and force the Democratic Party into chaos. It worked, but at what cost? His inflammatory language set the tone of every news outlet, supporter, and opponent and has descended our public discourse into childish victimization. But even before the very outspoken Mr. Trump took office, President Obama was leading the charge in poor rhetoric. Playing the victim regularly, and even now, he expends far too much energy on decrying racists, bigots, and conservatives. He was the President of the United States for eight years, and yet he is somehow still a victim. If this issue transcends party affiliation then clearly it originates outside politics. It originates with us, the people. Its genesis is in how we treat each other, and how we speak to one another. After all, our politics, society, and organizations are a reflection of us; it’s not the other way around.

As always, I’ll identify my biases. I am a Libertarian Party member, and I generally lean conservative. I have been Christian all my life, and solemnly believe that right and wrong are fixed points set by God. I think that most Americans have poor communication skills, and I think Twitter is complete trash.

I grew up in rural and suburban settings, went to college on the South Side of Chicago, and have so far spent ten years in the U.S. Navy, moving from Florida to Virginia, then to California, and back to Florida. I have traveled all over the world. My experience with different settings and cultures is broad. I have formal training in speaking, leadership, influence, and teambuilding. My observation of interpersonal relationships over the last decade has me concerned. Americans are divided into camps that volley hatred at each other like the Union and Confederacy volleyed grapeshot. I have noticed that people don’t know that their words have power. Not to harm an enemy, but to change the course of history! When my daughter was young, she used to say, “I can’t do it!” with such conviction that it became true. We broke her of that habit by sitting her down and explaining the simple truism, “whether you think you can or you think you can’t, you are right.” It took time, but now, she will try harder than we ever thought possible and make strides beyond what most people think her capable of. When we wield words as a weapon, they are indeed a weapon. A good soldier has both sword and shield, but today’s Americans carry only swords. They cannot defend a word they speak with the shield of logic, or compassion, or understanding. All we do now is attack, attack, attack using both voice and pen (or keyboard…). We must return to using shields. My analogy is this: when we are able to defend our position against event the most vitriolic of communicated assaults, we tire our opponent. We can then slip a simple dagger into their argument and it is over in an instant. I urge you to try it. The next time you come across someone who believes opposite yourself and only cares to breathe fire about it, start asking smart, calculated questions. But here’s the rub: you must present your questions honestly. Ask them if they’ve read a certain resource that may change their opinion. Ask them if they’ve ever actually met anyone like the evil they describe. Ask them honestly if they know what their biases are. You could even ask them to do something like educate themselves if they seem ignorant, but always give them a list of resources, and do it without ill intent. If they dismiss you or join your side, you have won. If not, then you fought valiantly and will do so again. One “life hack” that I like to use is to wait until I no longer have an emotional reaction to the other person’s comment, then respond. If they ignore your response, then they don’t actually feel strongly about what they were debating, and you shouldn’t either. This is actually an ancient logical and ethical system called Stoicism (normally, I don’t condone Wikipedia as a source, but the series on Stoicism is very well done and extremely well cited). I can highly recommend reading more about it, and I can recommend placing Stoicism into your though process even more highly.

When you pretend that you harbor real hatred where there is actually none, hatred begins to seep out of the ground; this is one of the key societal weaknesses that Stoicism can repair. We Americans have far more in common than not, and we should act like it. Common ground is where the conversation begins, and whether we believe there is common ground or not, we are right.